by Evan Smith

Almost all of us watch TV. It has become so common in our culture that anyone who does not spend at least an hour or so in front of the TV each night is an oddity. But what effect does it have on us? How does it shape us on a psychological level?

In my extensive research, I have been able to separate people into four distinct behavioral categories based upon what TV channel they watched as children.

Category number one is the Nickelodeonites, the people who watched Nickelodeon as a child. Nickelodeonites are often reckless and will rarely back down from a challenge. They will walk across the monkey bars like it is nothing and even eat a live grasshopper without a second thought. These kids are often less intelligent, finding difficulty with the simplest math problems and are suited for future careers as professional bowlers, fast food workers or U.S. Senators.

The second category, the Disney Channel-watchers , otherwise known as Mousketeers, are normally naive and foolish people. Having watched so much family-friendly programming on the Disney channel, they are convinced that viciously dangerous animals can not only talk but are their friends too. I once saw a Mousketeer approach a ferocious grizzly bear, thinking the bear would give him advice on how to have fun when it is raining outside. The bear then proceeded to rip the boy’s limbs apart and gnaw at his twitching body like a freshly caught salmon.

The third category is the Cartoon Networkians, otherwise known as emo kids. Those who watch Cartoon Network are usually stoic children who spend most of their time in their respected basements playing with wooden sticks, re-enacting scenes from the Vietnam War. While they are usually quiet, seemingly normal children, emo kids, having watched so much violent and strange programming, are always on the brink of snapping and doing something completely insane.

The final, and in my opinion, most disgusting group of people are those who watched PBS as children. The Untouchables, as I like to call them, often dress in tight khaki pants, tucked in shirts, no belts and sandals with socks. Their houses smell like an old retirement home and they live primarily off a diet of cold baby carrots, grape juice and casseroles their grandmother made. Trust me, there is nothing worse than getting stuck in a conversation with an Untouchable.

It is a sad truth that these four categories represent the future of our society. While our parents or grandparents may have learned life values from school, church or their parents, our generation is learning life lessons from sitting for hours in front of the TV screen.

Unless, of course, you were one of those kids who just read books as a child, in which case more power to ya—freak.