By Evan Smith

Last year department stores such as Walmart and Target were criticized for using the term “X-mas” in their holiday advertising. According to Media Matters, a notably liberal organization, right-yo-edited-mugwing conservatives immediately called the “X-mas” trend foul, while the liberal Democrats countered with tons of hippie rhetoric of their own.

Is it OK for big department stores to use the term “X-mas” instead of “Christmas” in their holiday advertising? While there is no foolproof answer for either side, I have compiled a compelling list of reasons why the term “X-mas” is infinitely superior to plain old “Christmas.”

1. It is more X-treme. I don’t know about you, but when I’m shredding on my longboard down a slightly inclined hill wearing a sweet pair of shades and mid-calf socks, I just want everything to be as X-treme as possible.

2. It is easier to write. And we all know there is nothing more annoying than having to spell out the entire word “Christmas” on every single card you sign. Even Jesus used abbreviations (probably).

3. It is more hip and modern. Kids today expect more out of their holidays.  They would rather play their Xboxes than roast chestnuts. But do you think these Xboxes would be as successful if they were called “Christ”-boxes? I don’t think so.

4. It is easier to text. I personally love to send holiday greetings, and since I am an on-the-go person, I am always texting and driving. And when the streets are covered in beautiful winter snow and glorious black ice, I do not need any more additional letters taking my eyes off the road.

5. It gives Glenn Beck something to talk about during the holiday season. If he is not arguing with his guests about whether or not the word “X-mas” is destroying America, then how else is he going to fill an hour-long broadcast? With actual news? Not a chance.

After all of these factually-supported arguments, it boggles my mind how anyone can prefer “Christmas” to “X-mas”. There is only one choice, and I hope everyone will agree with me and begin the X-mas revolution.

And since I have studied this issue X-tensively, I think you will all agree that I have the X-traordinary X-perience to know what I am talking about.