mugshotwebWith the introduction of the iPad, Apple’s hot new tablet computer, technology fans across the nation have rejoiced. Finally, a way to surf the Internet, type word documents, stream videos and check e-mails without having to use a clunky laptop. However, while technology fans may be celebrating, I am not.

With each new product, Apple appears to be growing in power and influence. When the iPhone hit store shelves, people waited in lines stretching down the block, waiting in some cases for days just to be the first to get their hands on the new piece of Apple tech. And now with the planned April 3 arrival of the iPad, there is no way to predict what equally crazy things Apple fans will do.

For one thing, it needs to be recognized that Apple fans, also known as MacHeads, operate in a disturbing, cult-like fashion. They blindly follow the beliefs and ideals of their charismatic leader, Steve Jobs, and each year when Jobs gives his keynote speech, his “sermon,” about the new products of the company, MacHeads around the world follow his every word. On YouTube alone, the most recent Apple keynote has nearly 1.5 million views.

The reason for such a large following can be attributed to the self-esteem of each individual MacHead. Throughout history, cults like Apple have consistently thrived on those who are insecure, in need of friends and lacking a sense of personal hope. In this way, Jobs is able to lure in new members with promises of security, happiness and acceptance. All MacHeads are, at heart, sad and miserable people. But when Jobs reveals a new, flashy iPod or Apple computer, MacHeads are distracted and find themselves staring at the pretty, shiny object. They are brainwashed; they forget the outside world and only think of owning the new Apple product.

All of this should be cause for great concern, because cults, as history proves, rarely end well. In the late ’70s, a charismatic cult leader named Jim Jones led his people to live according to his will in an isolated South American village known as Jonestown. When politicians in Congress expressed concern over the cult and their strange socialist lifestyle, Jones persuaded his people to all drink glasses of Kool-Aid mixed with poison, and a mass suicide occurred.

Will the new iPad kill every one of its users in some equally strange, satanic method of nuclear static radiation, causing mass MacHead suicide? No one knows. But I do know that when the iPad hits store shelves, I will be safely hidden in my own personal bomb shelter, locked away from the calamity of the outside, Apple-infested world, happily waiting for my Microsoft PC to reboot, then crash again, then reboot again.