Evan Smith

By Evan Smith, '11

There’s a real problem going on at this high school. Freshman guys in particular need to take note, because their viable options for pursuing a relationship with a nice young girl will soon be dwindling.

Some of the best female candidates are being taken by guys in the grades above them, and this is a serious issue. It perpetuates the vicious cycle that has continued far too many years. Many guys are dating girls in the grades below them due to older guys taking the girls in their grade. This makes every guy the enemy of those in the lower grades, and leaves all unhappy.

I have studied the cycle, and I am in the final stages of issuing a multi-front program designed to further stimulate the testosterone of young males. This “stimulus package” includes various motivational and psychological plans: a lesson in female seduction by Congressman and noted womanizer Barney Frank, and a mandatory screening of Old Spice “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like” body wash commercials for seven hours straight.

These efforts, however, are not enough, according to certain date-your-own-grade movements. One such political group, the Tea Party movement, aims at increasing the male macho sentimentality and bringing back pride amongst male high school students. Unofficial Tea Party spokesperson Sarah Palin described the cornerstone of the movement.

“The whole notion behind our name, the Tea Party movement, is that we don’t want young high school males to be sitting like little girls at a Tea Party,” Palin said. “We want them to learn to shoot guns, chew tobacco and grow hair on conspicuous areas of their bodies.”

The Tea Party, in a partnership with Rogaine, is now set to release Rogaine for Boys in an attempt to further male hair growth.

In my research on this issue, I found an inside source who has given me classified information regarding the new plans made by our government. My source, who I will refer to as Deep Voice so as to assure his anonymity, claims that the issue does not extend only to high schools.

“I can’t reveal pure information, I can only guide you,” Deep Voice said to me. “I’ll just say, this goes all the way up to the top—to the very top. The top office in the land.”

With Deep Voice’s aid, I uncovered some startling truths. Even President Barack Obama is not immune; his own wife, Michelle Obama, is three years younger than him—the equivalent of a senior dating a freshman.

With the highest ranking political figures themselves in on the vicious cycle, there may be no solution to this problem. My heart is with the young freshman guys who will soon face a harsh dose of reality. My only solace is that I have already weathered the storm and have emerged a tall, fully formed male.