By Evan Smith ’11

The new TSA body scanners, which use x-ray imaging to see through clothing to detect dangerous items—weapons or bombs—are causing quite a bit of uproar from some media outlets and the general public. The common complaint being that they deprive people of their dignity, in that the goal of finding dangerous hidden packages also reveals hidden packages of the more natural variety.

If wished, in lieu of a full body scan, citizens can request a full body “pat-down.” Said pat downs comprise of an authorized TSA agent groping their palms in and around various areas of the body. News channels such as CNN and FoxNews are showing videos of these pat-downs on a daily basis, replaying them over and over again. This is important, because I think it reveals the main conspiracy behind the new body scanners.

Rather than for airport security reasons, the new body scanners are being installed so as to bring focus to the overt sexuality of the TSA pat-downs, and the constant replaying of these videos is a slow progression towards pornography on Cable television.

It all makes sense, if you think about it. Under any other circumstances, there would be no way in which a respectable news channel would be able to air videos of an old woman being sexually groped by a middle aged woman in a government uniform. However, because it is in the service of “news,” the videos are acceptable. The exact same thing happened with National Geographic, a world renowned cultural magazine which began printing naked pictures of tribal women back in 1915. This paved the way for cultural acceptance of nudity in magazines, which ultimately coalesced into Playboy in 1953.

Soon, I believe, there will be a progression towards more and more suggestive subject matter. In the near future, we will be seeing news stories in which female firefighters are saving nurses from a burning hospital, then running their palms all around the nurse’s body so as to quench the flame. Not long after that, we’ll see videos of Swedish super models using massage therapy to calm the nerves of female office workers stressed after a long day’s work. It’s all a progression leading towards full on salaciousness the likes of which we’ve never seen.

I, for one, am entirely against this unfortunate series of events from taking place. Which is why I am petitioning the Disney Channel to sponsor local airports, so as to bring back wholesome, Christian air travel. In these new “Disney-ports,” all of the TSA agents will be cute and talented little girls, who do not grope or touch in a physical manner, but merely use their wonderful charm to touch the hearts of its airline customers. In this manner, it will be ensured that no one could ever possibly want to harm them, or the other passengers.

By keeping these Disney princesses in our airports on our cable news, we thus ensure that the sexualization of television does not occur. We protect the innocence of young children across the country, who watch TV everyday. Disney is the only way to save these kids from slipping into the lurid pitfalls of modern society. After all, what could be more harmless than a little girl, dressed in a short ballerina skirt, dancing and prancing around in front of millions of viewers everyday?